Things are not the same/He is more important than ever before

i dont talk about this often. its only around the time of year. its been 4 years, and i think i should (have), visit. aside from that, i had written about him in my very first blog and once i deleted the blog (for other reasons), i regreted it simply because of the entry i had written about him. it was perfect and there is no way to recreate it again.

but im bringing it up now because we realized something last night that is very true. i may not have been as close to him as most people were but he was extremely important and to this day still is even if its not spoken about all the time. he literally tied everyone together. we would have all been a lot closer if he were still alive and i bet you half the drama between friends would not be here if he were.



i wish wish wish i had never deleted that entry. everything that im typing right now is not doing any justice. im sorry. all i can say is that 4 years ago on august 1st, i really truly believed that the universe collapsed and made the biggest mistake. it never made sense to me, and sure i was sad and sure other people were waaaaaaaayyy more upset than i was. but for some reason, the fact that it didnt make sense was more overpowering than the sadness. i seriously just didnt get it. i take great pride in the fact that im really good at expressing myself and making feelings almost tangible (evocative as someone once put it).

Yet im still trying to find the words for this feeling that i had 4 years ago which i had never had before and never had since. the closest word i can use to describe it is disillusionment. he wasnt supposed to go, i knew it, it must have been a horrible horrible accident in the cosmos. to me, it was like we entered another dimension. it was like if you woke up one day and went outside and there was no oxygen. thats impossible! that cant happen! that is exactly what i felt. it used to make me dizzy thinking about it.

i dont know. if i visit ill have to face th e cold hard truth when i set my eyes on his... i cant even say it. but maybe i need to see the words and the date written out to understand that maybe its not supposed to make sense. its just something that happened and something that we have to accept, sadly.